thingsneedtobesaid

I guess this is me starting…

Posted on: May 6, 2011

I don’t know what I’m trying to get out of this.  This is my first step to helping myself.  Friends suggested this but I guess I’ll have to see if it works.  I don’t know if I’m starting over or continuing.  I think it’s kind of both.  I have a lot to say but no one to listen.  I listen to everyone else but I guess they just aren’t that interested in listening to me.  I was ok with that until I started falling apart.  This is the second time I’ve broke down.  The first time was 4 years ago.  I thought I could handle myself after that but guess not.  Same problem.  I keep everything inside of me.  I need to let it all out.  I don’t care who listens or who knows.  It just needs to come out.

I’ve been crying a lot lately.  I don’t know if I feel sad or I just feel like crying.  I don’t like it.  It makes me tired and I feel bad.  I feel guilty everytime I’m sad, as if I’m not allowed to be or I shouldn’t be sad because I know that I have a good life and so many other people would love what I have.  So when I get sad I feel like I’m being ungrateful and I HATE feeling like that.  My way of feeling better about it is keeping it in.  I don’t complain.  I don’t let other know I’m sad.  And it’s killing me inside.  Now I’m at the point where the littlest thing will make me unhappy for weeks maybe months.

I get sad when I don’t win things, everyone hates loosing

I get sad when I think people don’t like me

I get sad when my parents get upset with me

I get sad when my friends don’t ask how I’m feeling

I get sad when I do poorly at things I feel I should be good at

I get sad when I miss out on something I could’ve had

I get sad when I think about everything I could do differently

I get sad when people complain about things that are privledges

I get sad when others are sad

I get sad when people die

I get sad when people say things about other peoples race or religion

I get sad when people think that they are always right

I get sad when I see daughters and mothers and they look exactly alike or have similar features

I could go on forever with that list.  The last one is the one I talk about the least.  I’m adopted.  I know I’m so lucky but I always have this feeling of being rejected.  I feel like I was denied at birth and that I always have to prove myself to everyone else.  It’s so frustrating.  I never talk about this.  It’s hard to face and deal with.  I know some people are gonna think oh that’s nothing or oh she’s so lucky and she’s being ungrateful.  That’s why I don’t talk about things.  I’m afraid of being rejected again like I was before I was born.  I am constantly trying to prove myself.  I want to prove myself to everyone, including me.  I feel like if I’m accepting by everyone I’ll accept myself.  I don’t know if that’s true or not…

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3 Responses to "I guess this is me starting…"

I often wonder of my daughter felt as you do, rejected. I have asked her and she says she has no adoption issues. Regardless, I apologized to her as I doubt she would tell me. It has been three years since I found her on Facebook and she won’t meet me. I am sorry you are hurting. Natural mothers are told that if we love our child we will give them to someone more worthy to raise them. They beat us down mentally and make us feel that we need to save our own child from ourselves. In my case, once that stopped working, they held me against my will in the hospital and drugged me until they got my signature. I consoled myself thinking that at least she would know me growing up as it was an open adoption.Her adoptees closed the adoption as soon as it was finalized, they had what they wanted. I tell you this to let you know that most of us had no choice for adoption, we were forced. If you find your mother and she tells you something like “I wanted the best for you” or “I couldn’t be so selfish as to keep you” that is the brainwashing that they drilled into our heads. 99% Of infant adoptions were done out of coercion or force. You, as an adoptee, do not have to be happy about it. You can love your adoptive family but you are entitled to not be happy about being seperated from your natural family. Take care of yourself.

Oops, looks like my smart phone isn’t so smart. I see some typos.

Hey there,

I’m an adoptee, too, and you sound pretty normal to me. I don’t think you’re lucky to be adopted. To be honest, I think you’re very unlucky. No one is lucky to – or should have to be grateful for – lose their mother/family/identity. If you feel grateful or lucky, that’s awesome, but please don’t feel like you have to. I don’t feel lucky to have lost my mom and the rest of my family, and I will never be grateful that I was separated from them and then adopted. If my adoptive family had been wonderful, I could feel grateful and lucky for that, but they weren’t so I’m not. Adoption is a trauma, and most of society doesn’t recognise that, even though most adoptees do in their heart of hearts.

I know when I was a teen and first starting to really struggle with these thoughts and feelings on a more conscious level, realising I wasn’t alone and learning about the adoption industry really helped me. The first glimpse I had that I wasn’t alone was through reading Nancy Verrier’s “The Primal Wound”. I also found an amazing group of adoptees at http://www.adultadoptees.org/. It says adult adoptees, but we’ve got an awesome support forum of people who feel the same things you do, including a few teenagers.

Another thing that really helped me was a blog posting by Harriet J called “Adoption Sometimes Gets All Fucked Up, 101”. It’s found here http://www.fugitivus.net/2010/04/20/adoption-sometimes-gets-all-fucked-up-101/.

Good luck on your journey. I hope you reach out to other adult adoptees, we’re on the same path as you. 🙂

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  • vampporcupine: Ahhh...you are so CUTE! I don't know why you look at yourself the way that you do. It may be adoption related or might not. You are adorable :). Remeb
  • Susie: I understand where your feelings are coming from ~ and I know it is so hard to overcome the "not good enough" image you have of yourself. I want to t
  • Susie: The unknown and wondering in adoption is enough to drive you crazy. Not that this probably helps at all, but I was always thinking of my son not only

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