Posted on: May 7, 2011

Whenever I spend a lot of time with someone who I never usually get to a lot, I feel like I missed so much and I get kinda mad at myself.  I feel like these people are here all the time and one day they won’t be.  Why am I not spending every single second I can with them…and I don’t really have an answer.  I love my family but if I really think about it, when I spend time with them everything becomes real.  Everything I’m trying to pretend isn’t happening suddenly is.  It makes me sad.  It also makes me want to spend more time with them.  I’m very confused.  I know that one day things won’t be like this and they won’t be there every single day for me.  I know when that day comes I’m going to beat myself up about not being with them every second of every day.  I’ll be upset that I chose to spend time with people I don’t really know if I like instead of them.  I want to change now.  I don’t know if I will but I know I want to.

As I try to become more intune with my wants and needs I become more confused.  It’s like I know what I want and need but then I change my mind or change my point of view.  It’s like I’m not sure what is my point of view or if the one I think is really someone elses or if I’m thinking what I think other people would want me to.  I’m not sure how much sense that made.

I want to spend time with people who will make me happy.  I want them to be people who care, people who think about me, people who love me when I’m not thinking about how to act, people who will listen to me cry, people who comfort me when I’m sad.  Very few friends are coming to mind as I type this but a lot of family is.  Most friends try to make me laugh when I’m sad but it’s the very good ones that let me be sad and comfort me and understand.  When I’m sad at home I get hugs and they let me talk (when I do show that I’m sad) but if I’m sad around friends they try to make me laugh.  I think the difference is that the people who love me more try to help by understanding and fixing it and the people who think that they are helping are only providing temporary cures.  I’m tired of temporary I want perminant.  Family is perminant.  Most friends are temporary.  I think part of growing up and becoming more mature is realizing what is important and what I need.  I need to focus more on the perminant and less on the temporary.  If someone had a disability and someone had a headache you would be more focused on the disability then the headache…(I hope that came out like I meant it to)..


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


  • None
  • vampporcupine: are so CUTE! I don't know why you look at yourself the way that you do. It may be adoption related or might not. You are adorable :). Remeb
  • Susie: I understand where your feelings are coming from ~ and I know it is so hard to overcome the "not good enough" image you have of yourself. I want to t
  • Susie: The unknown and wondering in adoption is enough to drive you crazy. Not that this probably helps at all, but I was always thinking of my son not only


%d bloggers like this: