thingsneedtobesaid

Can’t have it all

Posted on: June 17, 2011

I feel bad whenever I want stuff.  I feel bad if I want to go somewhere or do something.  I have this overpowering feeling of “I’ve already been given so much so it’s selfish to ask for more”.  Obviously no one can have everything but I feel bad even when I just want something.  I think about how my life could’ve been and I think about all the stuff that I have that I wouldn’t have had if I had not been adopted.  I’ve always wanted to travel, like anywhere.  I want family vacations.  I want to go on those school trips to different countries.  My parents took their biological children to disney land and to all these great vacations when they were young.  Me and my adopted brother never got to go on those.  I get so jealous of that.  I know that now we don’t have the money for those extravagant things that they got.  It’s hard.  I know that even if we did have the money we probably couldn’t go anyway because my mom has Multiple Sclerosis so she can’t travel and my dad has horrible legs and is overweight so it would be hard for him to travel too.

I hate when my friends go on vacations with their families.  I get so jealous but then I feel bad and I feel like I shouldn’t be because I have so much.  I have all these conflicting thoughts.  I don’t know how exactly I’m supposed to feel about anything.  I’ve always wanted to fly on a plane.  Everyone says its not that great but I want to so bad.  I want to go somewhere you can’t drive.  I really want to go to Costa Rica with my school, or with this study abroad group.  My mom is nervous about sending me.  And I would have to come up with the money.  But I’ve always wanted my first plane ride to be with my family.  Even if I could go I would feel guilty.  I would feel guilty that I was going and that they weren’t.  I would feel bad that the people who have given me everything couldn’t go.  I would feel bad for having a good time because I could’ve done something else with the money.  I could’ve given it to them or donated it or anything.

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  • vampporcupine: Ahhh...you are so CUTE! I don't know why you look at yourself the way that you do. It may be adoption related or might not. You are adorable :). Remeb
  • Susie: I understand where your feelings are coming from ~ and I know it is so hard to overcome the "not good enough" image you have of yourself. I want to t
  • Susie: The unknown and wondering in adoption is enough to drive you crazy. Not that this probably helps at all, but I was always thinking of my son not only

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