Posted on: October 9, 2011

I have always struggled with the way I look.  I hate it.  I don’t feel pretty.  I feel like I could always be better.  I have this overwhelming feeling of not good enough.  I feel as if I could be better if I looked smaller.  This time me not eating started when people were saying stuff.  First: my old best friend was saying I only do stuff if there is something in it for me (like planning fundraisers/donation drives/trips for my grade) and that killed because I’m usually doing this stuff for someone else.  Second: my ex boyfriend was telling people false things about my private parts…which he wouldn’t know.

So these things just made me so insecure.  I’m the kind of person that is either really happy or just completely sad and down on myself.  The littlest thing can set me off into this sad downward spiral.  That’s what happened here.  I was finally in a good place with myself.  No cutting or anything.  And then I heard about these rumors.  I started feeling hurt and insecure.  I looked in the mirror and just cried because I hated what I saw.  So I wanted to change myself.  About 2 weeks ago I stopped eating.  I told my friend Ryan, because I trust him and needed someone to talk to.  He didn’t like it.  He went to my friend Grace about it and the two of them tried to get me to eat.  Ryan helped me to talk to the school counselor.  I did.  It felt good to talk about everything.

All of my insecurities go back to wanting to look like my sister.  Wanting to be more a part of the family.  Wanting the blue eyes that all of my cousins and siblings have.  Wanting the skin tone. Wanting the hair.  Wanting the body type.  Especially the body type.  I felt if I starved myself I could.  It’s so easy to not eat.  They give me breakfast and lunch in school so I threw it out.  Dinner we don’t eat as a family so I could skip it or throw it up.  I didn’t really see any of this as a problem until Ryan used the word anorexia.  That was a big eye opener.  People die from that.  I didn’t think I had it until I started becoming so consumed in my weight.  I would measure my stomach and my legs.  I just want to be little.  I want to be pretty.

Since Friday I’ve been trying so hard to eat.  It isn’t going to happen overnight.  I’ve struggled with starving myself before.  Longest was 2 full weeks with barely any food.  I thought if I didn’t eat this month then I would loose enough weight and I could eat again after.  When I try to eat it makes me want to cry.  After all I can think about is when I’ll be able to throw it up.  I hope this gets easier.


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  • vampporcupine: are so CUTE! I don't know why you look at yourself the way that you do. It may be adoption related or might not. You are adorable :). Remeb
  • Susie: I understand where your feelings are coming from ~ and I know it is so hard to overcome the "not good enough" image you have of yourself. I want to t
  • Susie: The unknown and wondering in adoption is enough to drive you crazy. Not that this probably helps at all, but I was always thinking of my son not only


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