thingsneedtobesaid

Dreamland

Posted on: January 16, 2012

I just finished Dreamland by Sarah Dessen.  Sometimes I want to be like Cass and just run away.  Away from the pressure to be perfect.  Away from grades.  Away from colleges.  Away from my new boyfriend.  Away from my best friends.  Away from my family.  But Cass ran away with her boyfriend.  Who would I run away with? Probably one of my best friends.  One of the guys.  They seem to understand the most.  Whenever I get in a fight with anyone all I want to do is cut.  I haven’t cut since the summertime.  I want to be able to see my birth mom and I want her to see my skin without anything being hidden.  I never want either of my mothers to see the scars on my skin and be disappointed in me or even worse…blame themselves.

I just try so hard for everything.  Last year everyone told me “be my own person”..”do what you think is right”..”don’t let people control you” and now it seems the more I try to do all the worse off I become.  Now I feel like I’m letting everyone down.  I hate that.  I hate fighting.  Especially with my mom.  It seems all I’ve done in the past few days is fight.  I’ve been fighting with my boyfriend over the stupidest things.  He thinks my best friend hates him, even though she doesn’t, because she told me a rumor she heard.  She told me because she was looking out for me.  It had nothing to do with him personally, she was just concerned for me.  He flipped at me and even when he apologized it was so passive “I’m sorry I’m not perfect like you.”  He thinks I don’t trust him.  To be honest the temper scares me.  Not because I think he’s going to do anything to me but because I hate when people are mad at me.  And now my mom’s mad at me because I want to go to the mall with my friend today.  The deal was if I finished my work I could go. Yesterday she told me she didn’t believe I would finish.  And I did so I figured I would get to go to the mall but then she yelled at me for asking.  Telling me I should stay home and do more work and practice more for a science competition “don’t you want to win?” of course I want to win; but I always thought mothers were the ones who were supposed to tell you that winning wasn’t what was most important as long as your having fun and blah blah blah.  Well this isn’t fun anymore.  I know everything she does is with my best interest in mind but I can’t stay on this pedestal that everyone keeps putting me on.  I can’t do everything, I can’t win everything, I can’t be perfect.  Keeping meals down has never been this hard.  I desperately want to be as perfect as everyone thinks I am but I can’t keep myself together all the time.  I shouldn’t have to hurt myself to keep a smile on my face.  Sometimes when I think about it all I can’t breathe, my heart beats fast, and I get dizzy.  I don’t know how to be what everyone wants me to be but I’ll keep trying.  Dreamland seems so far away.  But I need a break from everything.  I need to go to Dreamland.

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