thingsneedtobesaid

Confessions #1

Posted on: March 3, 2012

I feel like I’m one of those people who is either really happy or really sad.  I barely ever have an in between.  I get stressed out a lot.  I am so hard on myself.  I want to be perfect for everyone.  I love everyone so much that it kills when they don’t love me back.  I’m naive.  I’m all these things but none of them are “bad”.  I had convinced myself that I was this horrible person.  That it was ok to hurt myself as long as I wasn’t hurting others.  That it was ok not to eat as long as I was alive.  I had convinced myself all these things and it was destroying me.  I don’t want to let anything destroy me, especially not myself.  Sometimes I just need to let it all out and I’m happier.  So here it is, my confessions:

  • I’m never going to perfect
  • I’m not horrible
  • I blame myself for my mom’s health
  • I also blame my dad and my brothers and my sister
  • I trust people even though I know I shouldn’t and it puts me in an awful place
  • I want to help everyone but don’t know how
  • One of my biggest fears is not being able to go to college because we have no money
  • I HATE caring about what other people think
  • I tell myself I don’t care what other people think but I do more than I know
  • I’m afraid of not being good enough
  • I want to meet my birth mom but I don’t know if I can or I will
  • I want my brother to meet his birth mom
  • I don’t want my mom to think I don’t love her because I want to meet my birth mom
  • I get lazy
  • I try really hard
  • I’m not as smart as I wish I was
  • I love being the best at something
  • I love helping strangers
  • I love winning
  • I get jealous
  • I don’t want him but I want him to want me, I’m selfish
  • I just want to sleep all the time
  • I miss playing a sport
  • I miss having a pool
  • I miss Crawford
  • I miss December 2011
  • Sometimes I miss Isaac
  • Sometimes I miss Ryan
  • Sometimes I miss Kaliel
  • Sometimes I even miss Cullen
  • There are days when I just want to tell everyone that I used to cut myself just so they lay off
  • Same thing with eating, I want to tell everyone that I used to throw up all the time and starve myself and I used to burn myself and all this stuff I used to do just so they would understand that I’m not perfect, in fact that sometimes I just get really sad even though I always have smile on my face and even though I love helping everyone else, I just want someone to help me.
  • I don’t want people to worry about me but I want people to care about me
  • Sometimes I’m so happy
  • Sometimes I lock myself in my room and lay in bed all day crying
  • I want people to know all my secrets
  • I want to keep everything a secret
  • I HATE when I’m talking to a guy and it’s so clear that all he wants me for is sex.  But I won’t stop the conversation.  I’ll let it escalate because sometimes it makes me feel good just to be wanted (I’m never anyone’s first choice) but after I’ll feel like crap because he doesn’t really want me.
  • Same when I’m with a guy…
  • I’m embarrassed of a lot of the stuff I’ve done
  • I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if my mom found out everything
  • I’m at a point where I’m learning to love God more than I ever had before
  • I want summer
  • I want to get into all the programs I’m applying for
  • Rejection kills me
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