Just Done…
Posted on: July 29, 2011
- In: Adoption | Family
- 2 Comments
I’ve been one of the most insecure people. I’m just done with that. I don’t want to feel bad about myself anymore. I want to be happy with the way I look. I want to be ok with my dark hair and my brown eyes. I want to wake up and look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I want to make peace with who I am. I’ve been so upset with how I look because I grew up with people who look nothing like me. My sister is this gorgeous brunette (dyed blonde) with blue eyes. I wanted to be her. I still think shes so pretty but I want to be me now. I want to find things beautiful with me. I used to do self hurting things because I was so upset with myself. I don’t want that for me anymore.
This is me. This is how I look. I’ve hated it for so long. I’m ready to start liking it. I’m not my sister but that doesn’t mean I’m hideous. I want to prove it to myself. I don’t want to hurt anymore because of how I look anymore. It’s hard to myself without makeup. I used to cry if I did. But today I did, I saw it and I just didn’t care(I cried a little but then I realized how ridiculous it was and how I was being). It felt so good. I want to get better. I want to feel better. I wonder if my brother feels this way. He has darker skin and hair too. We’re different. Tomorrow its my Grandmothers 88th birthday. She’s my dad’s mom. None of my dad’s siblings had kids besides him and one other. That one other cousin on that side was adopted. I hope he doesn’t feel like I did. He’s from another country and he has tan skin and dark hair, he looks like us. I love it. But on my mom’s side (even though I’m closer to the people on her side) they all are brown haired or blonde with bright blue eyes, tall and skinny. It’s hard. I don’t want it to be hard anymore.
2 Responses to "Just Done…"
August 2, 2011 at 8:52 pm
Ahhh…you are so CUTE! I don’t know why you look at yourself the way that you do. It may be adoption related or might not. You are adorable :). Remeber you DO look like someone. You have natural parents that you look like and will hopefully be able to one day see yourself looking back through their image. I hope you will open yourself to meet one day. I also hope you are practicing your spanish so you will be able to write to your other mother one day.
I have noticed through your blog journey that none of you (family members) discuss adoption and adoption issues with each other. You, your brother and your cousin have a built in support group and you should try to open the lines of communication up between you. The things you speak about I have heard from many adult adoptees. You are definitly not alone in your thoughts and feelings.
thingsneedtobesaid 
July 29, 2011 at 9:25 pm
I understand where your feelings are coming from ~ and I know it is so hard to overcome the “not good enough” image you have of yourself. I want to tell you though that you ARE beautiful!! Your beautiful long dark hair, your big beautiful brown eyes and pretty complexion ~ many would give their right arm to have those attributes!
I hope this does become easy for you, so you can see that you really ARE more than the image in your head and the image in your mirror also.