thingsneedtobesaid

I think what separates good and bad is intentions.

I also think my mom always assumes I have the worst intentions.  I don’t know when it started happening but you when people just all of a sudden expect more of you but never really say it.  Well I guess that’s how it is.  I feel like I always have to be careful about what I say around her, or more specifically how I say it.  She just assumes the worst of everything I say.  All my questions have suddenly become sarcastic and defensive when they’re just genuine questions.  And when I try to talk to her about it I’m starting a fight.  I don’t know how to fix this.

I feel like we always fight now.  I don’t know what is going on and why things are like this but I want them to change.  I also don’t appreciate that she always tries to understand what I’m saying and she just assumes she’s right when it probably isn’t what I’m thinking.  She’ll start talking to me like “I know you’re upset about ____ and you’re showing it by _____.” and it’s like I’m not.  I understand that she is trying to understand me but if I try to explain what I really feel don’t yell at me and tell me I’m lying.

I never say anything to hurt someone.

I don’t question things to prove a point.

My intentions aren’t ever bad.  I don’t want to hurt anyone ever.  I might be curious.  And I’m always never sarcastic and if I am I say it while I’m laughing.

I feel like I’m one of those people who is either really happy or really sad.  I barely ever have an in between.  I get stressed out a lot.  I am so hard on myself.  I want to be perfect for everyone.  I love everyone so much that it kills when they don’t love me back.  I’m naive.  I’m all these things but none of them are “bad”.  I had convinced myself that I was this horrible person.  That it was ok to hurt myself as long as I wasn’t hurting others.  That it was ok not to eat as long as I was alive.  I had convinced myself all these things and it was destroying me.  I don’t want to let anything destroy me, especially not myself.  Sometimes I just need to let it all out and I’m happier.  So here it is, my confessions:

  • I’m never going to perfect
  • I’m not horrible
  • I blame myself for my mom’s health
  • I also blame my dad and my brothers and my sister
  • I trust people even though I know I shouldn’t and it puts me in an awful place
  • I want to help everyone but don’t know how
  • One of my biggest fears is not being able to go to college because we have no money
  • I HATE caring about what other people think
  • I tell myself I don’t care what other people think but I do more than I know
  • I’m afraid of not being good enough
  • I want to meet my birth mom but I don’t know if I can or I will
  • I want my brother to meet his birth mom
  • I don’t want my mom to think I don’t love her because I want to meet my birth mom
  • I get lazy
  • I try really hard
  • I’m not as smart as I wish I was
  • I love being the best at something
  • I love helping strangers
  • I love winning
  • I get jealous
  • I don’t want him but I want him to want me, I’m selfish
  • I just want to sleep all the time
  • I miss playing a sport
  • I miss having a pool
  • I miss Crawford
  • I miss December 2011
  • Sometimes I miss Isaac
  • Sometimes I miss Ryan
  • Sometimes I miss Kaliel
  • Sometimes I even miss Cullen
  • There are days when I just want to tell everyone that I used to cut myself just so they lay off
  • Same thing with eating, I want to tell everyone that I used to throw up all the time and starve myself and I used to burn myself and all this stuff I used to do just so they would understand that I’m not perfect, in fact that sometimes I just get really sad even though I always have smile on my face and even though I love helping everyone else, I just want someone to help me.
  • I don’t want people to worry about me but I want people to care about me
  • Sometimes I’m so happy
  • Sometimes I lock myself in my room and lay in bed all day crying
  • I want people to know all my secrets
  • I want to keep everything a secret
  • I HATE when I’m talking to a guy and it’s so clear that all he wants me for is sex.  But I won’t stop the conversation.  I’ll let it escalate because sometimes it makes me feel good just to be wanted (I’m never anyone’s first choice) but after I’ll feel like crap because he doesn’t really want me.
  • Same when I’m with a guy…
  • I’m embarrassed of a lot of the stuff I’ve done
  • I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if my mom found out everything
  • I’m at a point where I’m learning to love God more than I ever had before
  • I want summer
  • I want to get into all the programs I’m applying for
  • Rejection kills me

I just finished Dreamland by Sarah Dessen.  Sometimes I want to be like Cass and just run away.  Away from the pressure to be perfect.  Away from grades.  Away from colleges.  Away from my new boyfriend.  Away from my best friends.  Away from my family.  But Cass ran away with her boyfriend.  Who would I run away with? Probably one of my best friends.  One of the guys.  They seem to understand the most.  Whenever I get in a fight with anyone all I want to do is cut.  I haven’t cut since the summertime.  I want to be able to see my birth mom and I want her to see my skin without anything being hidden.  I never want either of my mothers to see the scars on my skin and be disappointed in me or even worse…blame themselves.

I just try so hard for everything.  Last year everyone told me “be my own person”..”do what you think is right”..”don’t let people control you” and now it seems the more I try to do all the worse off I become.  Now I feel like I’m letting everyone down.  I hate that.  I hate fighting.  Especially with my mom.  It seems all I’ve done in the past few days is fight.  I’ve been fighting with my boyfriend over the stupidest things.  He thinks my best friend hates him, even though she doesn’t, because she told me a rumor she heard.  She told me because she was looking out for me.  It had nothing to do with him personally, she was just concerned for me.  He flipped at me and even when he apologized it was so passive “I’m sorry I’m not perfect like you.”  He thinks I don’t trust him.  To be honest the temper scares me.  Not because I think he’s going to do anything to me but because I hate when people are mad at me.  And now my mom’s mad at me because I want to go to the mall with my friend today.  The deal was if I finished my work I could go. Yesterday she told me she didn’t believe I would finish.  And I did so I figured I would get to go to the mall but then she yelled at me for asking.  Telling me I should stay home and do more work and practice more for a science competition “don’t you want to win?” of course I want to win; but I always thought mothers were the ones who were supposed to tell you that winning wasn’t what was most important as long as your having fun and blah blah blah.  Well this isn’t fun anymore.  I know everything she does is with my best interest in mind but I can’t stay on this pedestal that everyone keeps putting me on.  I can’t do everything, I can’t win everything, I can’t be perfect.  Keeping meals down has never been this hard.  I desperately want to be as perfect as everyone thinks I am but I can’t keep myself together all the time.  I shouldn’t have to hurt myself to keep a smile on my face.  Sometimes when I think about it all I can’t breathe, my heart beats fast, and I get dizzy.  I don’t know how to be what everyone wants me to be but I’ll keep trying.  Dreamland seems so far away.  But I need a break from everything.  I need to go to Dreamland.

So I’ve always been confused about how to identify myself.  Both of my birth parents are Mayan.  So I liked to identify myself as a Mayan, because of all the Mexican stereotypes and I didn’t want to deal with that.  But as I got older I started identifying myself as a Mexican.  I did some research and asked some adults and I might be Guatemalan.  Am I both?  Also it was brought to my attention that I can identify myself as a Native American because Mayans are native to the Americas.  I never looked at it like that before.  Now I have all of these possibilities and I’m kind of lost in them.  I don’t know what to call myself.  It’s confusing.  It’s more of a I want to know how to identify myself rather than a I want to know to tell someone else.  It’s important to me.  I get so lost sometimes.  It’s easy to when you’re in a family who is completely Irish and the home is filled with that heritage.  That isn’t a bad thing and I do enjoy learning about the Irish culture, but I want to know about mine.  I know about Mayans but is that all I am? Am I Mexican or Guatemalan too?  What does my mom identify herself as?

So I do a lot in my school as far as planning activities and stuff.  And I’ve always had a lot of support.  But for our Senior Trip I sent out an email to everyone like asking what they wanted to do and if they wanted to help plan it.  Now everyone’s upset saying like I’m planning it all myself and that I’m not including them and blah blah blah.  It’s so annoying cause like I try to do all this stuff for them and they complain the whole time! And it isn’t all of them, but people make it up to seem like it is.  I’m just so annoyed.  I’m about to be like fine I’ll stop planning everything, you guys do it.  I won’t because I’m not a quitter but I just hate it.

Also, this whole issue came about when like stuff happened in school and like the grade needed someone to step up and be like no.  And I emailed the teachers and was like this can’t happen like all the stuff that has been happening.  I got a lot of support from the Seniors and Teachers but when I asked a girl to help me she gave me a whole thing about how people lacked respect for me and all this stuff and how I control everything.  It’s a lie.  I don’t.  I ask opinions and input and try to please everyone.  Trying to do all this stuff for them is what got me into the place I was with cutting.  It made it ten times worse.

 

So I want to be a bio-medical engineer and my mom REALLY wants me to be one.  I do a lot of community service and I have high grades in school but I get really excited if my club is planning a fundraiser event and so I’ll tell my mom about it and she’ll always reply with you do too much you need to focus on school.  I hate it.  It hurts.  It’s like I love to volunteer and plan fundraisers and help people but she doesn’t support me.  She always tells me I need to not and focus on school.  I am focused on school.  I have amazing grades! I don’t know what else I can do.  It’s so frustrating.  And I want to do a self-sustainability project senior year but she wants me to do something on engineering.  This is my second year doing an engineering project, most students don’t even do anything career related for their projects.  It’s something I’m really interested in and have been doing fundraisers for since freshman year.  I just want her approval.  Also, I really like Columbia University, but she doesn’t want me to even consider about it because of the liberals.  It’s so hard wanting something and having her not want that for me.

😥

I just don’t know what to do.  Every time we talk about these things I end up crying and she ends up yelling.

It’s my Junior year.  I understand the importance. I’m trying so much harder than I ever have.  But my mom really wants me to do more with these 2 outside of school programs and she asks me for updates on them daily and I tell her the same thing everyday, because they do like 2 monthly events so not much is going on and then she keeps telling me how important it is for me to stay involved and I need to do more with them but what else can I do?!!?! And I know she has my best intentions in mind but I don’t think she knows what this is doing to me.  It’s making me stressed and making cry and it makes me feel like I’m not good enough, because I’m honestly trying my best with everything and she wants more and I don’t know what else I can do and I just want to make her happy…This stressed feeling makes me want to cut or do something because I’m just not good enough right now.

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  • vampporcupine: Ahhh...you are so CUTE! I don't know why you look at yourself the way that you do. It may be adoption related or might not. You are adorable :). Remeb
  • Susie: I understand where your feelings are coming from ~ and I know it is so hard to overcome the "not good enough" image you have of yourself. I want to t
  • Susie: The unknown and wondering in adoption is enough to drive you crazy. Not that this probably helps at all, but I was always thinking of my son not only

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