thingsneedtobesaid

Those Words

Posted on: May 15, 2011

We all know exactly what to say to hurt our family.  We know the words that will hurt them the most.  My brother just doesn’t know how to keep those things in.  He gets very upset when he doesn’t get what he wants, everyone is, but he almost always gets everything.  Those very few times when he doesn’t get his way he explodes.  He has ADHD, he’s 16 years old, and he was adopted too.  He has a lot of anger and he yells a lot.  But he is also very funny.  I love him very much but I wish he knew when to stop.  The other day in the car he was yelling at my mom because she wouldn’t stop at walmart for him.  She has MS and driving hurts her leg.  She just drove 40 mins to bring his friend home.  And he was so angry she wouldn’t stop for him.  He wanted to get a dust cleaner thing.  His “friend” (and I say “friend” because this boy just uses my brother) “borrowed” our keyboard cleaner so he could clean his xbox.  Then gave my brother back an empty can and said he needs more.  So my brother was going to stop to get him more and my mom said no.  I agreed.  Why should he be getting this boy anything.  I’m not a fan of his “friend”.

My brother was very upset she said no, so for 40 mins on the way back from dropping his other friend off he yelled at my mom.  He cursed and sang along with his music that referred to women as bitches.  My mom told him to stop and he wouldn’t.  He went on to threaten to give up in school and not try and fail and all these things.  The whole time I’m like why is this kid worth it.  It’s very frustrating.  As soon as we got home my brother filled up his water bottle and walked to his “friend’s” house.  My mom was heartbroken that this boy was more a important to my brother than his family.  I feel bad for my brother because he will literally do anything to keep a friend.  We don’t have a lot of money and this kid does.  So even $10 on keyboard cleaner is a lot for us.  This kid spends $300 on sunglasses.  Why can’t he get it?!  I was very upset.  We all were.

This reminded me back to a time when my brother was little and his reply when he wouldn’t get his way would always be “YOU’RE NOT MY MOM.” That broke my mom’s heart.  And it hurt me to hear him say that to the woman who has done so much for him.  He said it so so much and she would always cry because of it.  He grew up and doesn’t say that anymore because I think he realized what he was saying, but he comes close.  He says things like why should I listen to you and he used to say that right before he said “you’re not my mom.”  I hope he grows up more.  He is very ungrateful 95% of the time.  He rarely thanks her for anything.  Recently was the first time in a while I heard him say Thank You and I’m pretty sure he only said it because it was mother’s day.  I want him and my mom to have a better relationship and I want him to understand things more.  I feel like I’m the older sister.

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1 Response to "Those Words"

It sounds like your brother has adoption related issues not ADHD. This is quite common and I know you are the younger one but you are reaching out for understanding of your feelings. It may be that you are a girl as boys react instead of takl or search for answers as to why they feel this way. One myth is that adoptees should be “grateful”. I have spoken with many who say that being seperated from thier natural mother is nothing to be grateful about. You brother needs someone to acknowledge his feelings of loss of his first family. I will recommend a efw books. The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier is a good one for you and your mom. This will help her to learn that it is natural to be not thrilled about being an adoptee. The other one is Adoption Healing for Adoptees (he has two, one for mothers of adoption loss and one for adoptees) by Joe Soll. I think your brother needs some undestanding that although he may not have concious memory of the pain of losing his mother, the one who’s voice and heartbeat he grew to know and love in her womb, babies DO grieve this loss.
Unfortunately adoption is the great social experiment where natural parents and adoptive parents are told that a baby is a blank slate and can be transfered from one set of parents to another without any psychological impact. This is of course untrue.
Your brother feels abandoned and rejected by his first family. He is wounded. Maybe it would help him to understand what society, agencies, doctors and lawyers do to women in order to obtain thier baby for adoption. Maybe if he knew that we were left severely traumatized from being coerced, drugged, tied to the hospital beds (in my case I was held hostage for my signature on the adoption papers), any finanical support withdrawn from us that left us with NO choice…maybe…he would understand that his mother had no choice in adoption. Maybe, this would give him peace

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  • vampporcupine: Ahhh...you are so CUTE! I don't know why you look at yourself the way that you do. It may be adoption related or might not. You are adorable :). Remeb
  • Susie: I understand where your feelings are coming from ~ and I know it is so hard to overcome the "not good enough" image you have of yourself. I want to t
  • Susie: The unknown and wondering in adoption is enough to drive you crazy. Not that this probably helps at all, but I was always thinking of my son not only

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